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The mission log of Useless

Useless is the network’s eraser-in-residence. After owls, hedgehogs, bees, sharks and a T. rex, it has been put in charge of mission control. Nobody remembers agreeing to this. Every fact in here has been checked by someone more qualified, i.e. anyone.

Useless, a pink-and-blue eraser with googly eyes
  1. Sol 1

    A day on Mars is called a sol. I asked for a sol off. They said every day is a sol. I’ve lodged a complaint with nobody. NASA Science: Mars facts

  2. Sol 2

    Mars is red because its dirt is rusty. I left my bike out once. Same principle, smaller planet. NASA Science: Mars facts

  3. Sol 3

    On Mars I’d weigh 38% of what I weigh here. I’m an eraser. That’s still not enough to rub out a whole planet, I checked. NASA: Humans to Mars

  4. Sol 4

    Olympus Mons is more than 40 km tall. I climbed a pencil case once. I needed a sit down. NASA Science: Mars facts

  5. Sol 5

    Sunsets on Mars are blue. Somebody tell the Martian greeting-card industry before it’s too late. NASA Photojournal: Sunset in Mars’ Gale Crater

  6. Sol 6

    Phobos goes round Mars three times a day. I go round the kitchen three times a day looking for my glasses. I don’t have glasses. NASA Science: Mars moons

  7. Sol 7

    Mariner 4’s team coloured in the first Mars picture by hand with pastels. I would have helped. I’d have rubbed out the wrong bits. NASA Science: Mariner 4

  8. Sol 8

    Pathfinder bounced about 15 times on airbags before it stopped. That is exactly how I get out of bed on Mondays. NASA Science: Mars Pathfinder

  9. Sol 9

    Perseverance’s top speed is 152 metres an hour. I got overtaken by it in a dream. I woke up angry. NASA Science: Perseverance rover components

  10. Sol 10

    Ingenuity was meant to fly five times. It flew 72. Overachiever. I respect it and I resent it. NASA Science: Ingenuity Mars Helicopter

  11. Sol 11

    MOXIE made 122 grams of oxygen on Mars, about what a small dog breathes in 10 hours. I asked which dog. Nobody knew. I’m calling him Dave. NASA Science: Perseverance instruments

  12. Sol 12

    Mars’s moons are named after the horses that pulled a war god’s chariot. My bike is named Kevin. Kevin has a flat. NASA Science: Mars facts

  13. Sol 13

    The ‘Face on Mars’ was just shadows on a hill. I’ve also been mistaken for a face. It was a rubber with googly eyes. Wait. NASA Science: The “Face on Mars”

  14. Sol 14

    A Mars year is 687 Earth days. So on Mars I’d only be about half as old. I’d also be very cold. Swings and roundabouts. NASA Science: Mars facts

  15. Sol 15

    Phobos is creeping towards Mars by 1.8 m every hundred years. Slower than me walking to the dentist, and that’s saying something. NASA Science: Mars moons

  16. Sol 16

    Valles Marineris would stretch from California to New York. My longest journey is from the pencil pot to under the sofa. NASA Science: Mars facts